Let’s talk about sex shall we?
We are human beings and we are sexual beings, it is only natural and normal to enjoy having sex (or not for that matter, however you feel about it is legitimate).
Our sexuality is sacred. Our sexual energy is actually the most powerful we actually have. It allows us to create life, how powerful is that! I strongly believe we should consider it as such. Once we do it, it allows us to awake and expand our consciousness. In yogic philosophy this notion is called bramacharya (the mindful use of sexual energy).
Sex as a hobby: myths and misconceptions
Often we consider having sex for reproduction or… as a hobby. It makes the perfect activity for a rainy sunday right? In the virtual age, we make sexual connections via the internet, oversexualization of everything and casual dating are part of the new cultural norms. We learn about sex via Google or watching pornography, which gives us a misleading image of it all. It shapes these wrong ideas we have about sex and how we should be doing it:
- We believe that sexuality should be hot, acrobatic and somehow mechanical: a series of simulations that end up in an orgasm.
- We assimilate sex with performance. Men believe that their endurance or the size of their penis matters or that pounding their partners in spicy positions makes them good lovers.
- We see orgasm as the goal and consider a sexual encounter without climax as unfinished business.
- We multiply sexual partners, without taking the time to mindfully choose lovers
- We multiply sexual relations to fulfill our own desires
The problem with all this is that it affects the way we interact with eachother and the way we have sex. Sex becomes random, superficial and selfish, it looses its sacred nature.
The never-ending chase of pleasure
The principal reason we have sex is become it feels good. Let’s be honest, it feels really, really good. The problem when we like something so much is to overindulge.
Have you ever noticed how the more sex you have, the more you want to have sex? Weird isn’t it? It always felt wrong to me, now I like to compare it with any other addiction.
When we see sex as meaningless, as a goal oriented process, we are looking for a temporary rush or feeling. We chase that high, over and over again until it leaves us depleted, forever unsatisfied and looking for more. Just as any addict.
When you have a high sex drive, it’s easy to get caught in this never ending-chase of pleasure. We might multiply partners we only connect with on a physical level and risk to miss out on deeper levels of interactions. When we overindulge we basically let our desires consume us, and this can also prevent our long-term happiness.
Repeat after me: the orgasm is not the goal
Orgasm is and should not be the goal of sex. If you see it this way, you miss out on the whole experience by blindly chasing after what you think is making you happy and content. Sex should be about the union of lovers, not a race to climax.
When you overindulge with sex you also overuse your sexual energy. When you orgasm, you release it and this too, leaves you feeling depleted. This energy is vital, you should keep it and protect it as much as possible.
When you have sex with someone, you exchange energies and potentially will absorb some of your partner’s. The risk is to transfer and/or absorb negative energy as well. That’s why it’s important to be mindful of who you are doing it with.
Having sex versus conscious love making
“Having sex” would be having the physical experience only with your partner, a connection of the body. What we call conscious love making is a connection between the heart, body and soul.
Conscious love making requires intimacy, connection, devotion but also two people seeing, feeling and honoring each other.
Sex, love and intimacy
Ever heard someone say that sex is better with the person they love? Right, it’s quite common. It’s not necessarily true for everyone and I’m not saying you should only have sex with people you love, but I like to think that everything you pour your heart into is always more fulfilling.
It’s hard for a lot of us to dissociate sex and love. Perhaps because what a lot of us really want and crave is intimacy.
Intimacy includes emotional closeness. Sharing intimacy is harder than getting naked, true intimacy is actually showing your insides out as well. It’s quite scary, but precious because it is real.
Why you should try conscious love making
While having sex is scratching the surface, conscious love making is deep diving in what sexuality is and can be. Love making feels more intuitive and more natural. The intimacy gives us a sensation of emotional safety, it helps us relax, hence get more pleasure. It can also free us from pressures, insecurities, uncomfortable physical reactions to stress (especially when you have sex with new partners and can feel vulnerable).
If sexuality is viewed as beautiful and sacred, it is practiced with care, kindness and awareness to form deep connections. Such connections are a bit more rare, that’s normal, it’s part of the beauty of it. Seeking deep and meaningful connections are however more likely to make you happy.
Once you feel the power of love making it is hard to get back. I’m not saying that one night stands should forever be prohibited for a happy life, but I’m quite sure they will feel less fulfilling. That’s how it felt to me. I often caught myself feeling disappointed with lovers who did not resonate with me at all. It just felt wrong, and the physical experience could not remotely fulfill my desires nor make me happy. Once I started getting familiar with yogic philosophy and tantra, I started to understand why: the connection was simply not there.
Once you understand the diffrence between sex and conscious love making, your whole perspective on sexuality, love and relationships will change. When you stop having sex to reach orgasm as the ultimate goal, you become a conscious, attentive partner, you’ll experience a deeper pleasure and become a better lover. Who would not want that?
Being a good lover goes beyond our physical abilities, it means being present, listening to our partner’s needs and wants as much as we listen to ours. It means giving pleasure as much as receiving pleasure. It means being kind and acting with care, no matter the actual practice or its level of kinkiness. It means being respectful and practicing loving awareness, always.
How to practice conscious love-making
The key is to view sexuality holistically!
- Consider sex as a sacred act: be mindful of the whole experience. Maybe you want to make it a specific ritual, for yourself before or to be shared with your lover.
- Protect your energy: be mindful of how you are using your energy and with who you are sharing it with.
- Choose your partners partners wisely: This doesn’t mean you should not multiply partners, rather that you should be mindful in doing so. You want to choose a partner that you can truly connect with. I think that the best way to do so is to listen to your intuition. It feels like coming home.
- Practice breathwork, meditation, eye gazing: Slow down, focus on the breath, on your partner’s breath, relax, see, be seen, feel, be felt.
- Use crystals as aphrodisiacs: UNAKITE JASPER, ROSE QUARTZ or RHODONITE for example.
- Communicate: be attentive to your partner’s needs and wants as much as yours, communicate what you want and what you do not want. Respect each other’s boundaries.
- Forget about the orgasm: it might be the case that your climax, it might not be. The whole experience should not be just about it.
- Practice kindness: always